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”I again paused for a minute before continuing, then admitted to Mindy my fingers were trembling as I opened the envelope to read Ellen’s note.“Mindy,” I added, “it is probably easier to just let you read her letter. I didn’t even realize I still had it until about six months ago when I was cleaning out some files. I ... I read it again, and then read it several more times. I’ve kept it just to remind myself what a miserable, selfish son-of-a-bitch and complete prick I used to be and how I had no qualms about using people.”Mindy’s face turned pale.I retrieved the letter from my office, then handed it to Mindy.Mindy’s hands were now trembling as she took the envelope and opened it. I didn’t need to read it again. The words were, by now, burned into my brain.Dear Alan, I have written you at least a dozen letters trying to explain how I feel about you, and just as quickly torn each one up.I finally decided, since you always have a song for every occasion, usually a sad song, to leave you. Nature gave me a decent body and lots of brains though, and I used them. No boyfriends meant I doubled-down on academics and had my bachelor’s degree in a high-paying technical area by the time I was eighteen. My first income went to a plastic surgeon who fixed my nose and made my breasts more appealing but only slightly bigger. I had exercised diligently so was trim and strong.If my peer males didn’t want me then I didn’t want them either. I’d studied sex along with math and was quite ready for my first sexual encounter as a junior in college at age seventeen. It was the old babysitting for the single dad situation as I earned income to avoid student debt.Ralph was a nerd like me whose wife had run off with a biker, seeking adventure and leaving him with two school-age children. He worked nights so I could take classes when I needed to and study after the kids went to bed.There was some magnetism from the start so I made my availability clear about a month after beginning work..
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